Harvey stood on his front porch, talking to a gray cat that had decided to take a nap on his rocking chair. Then, a little short, black dog trotted by, looking like he knew where he was going. Harvey spoke gently to him, but the dog eyed him suspiciously and crossed to the other side of the road. “On patrol, no doubt,” Harvey said loudly. Then, he noticed Miss Margo watching him from across the street as he addressed the gray cat again.
Harvey was a jolly, round man with a kind heart and a love of animals. He was nearly bald, except for a ring of black hair above his ears that stood straight up when the wind blew. No amount of slicking back could hold the unruly mass, so it usually stuck up most of the time. He had lived by himself for so long, he got used to having no one to talk to but his cats and the birds and squirrels that inhabited his trees.
Margo was a feisty redhead who could play the honky tonk piano and drove a long white Cadillac. She was chunky, but not fat and had her hair done every week into a style that went out of fashion forty years ago. Her green eyes flashed with suspicion as she eyed the man across the street. Then, she hurriedly grabbed her groceries out of the back seat and went in her house. Once there, she peered out the window to see if Harvey was still talking to himself, but he was gone.
She had two hyperactive chihuahuas that loved to join in the doggy chorus that erupted whenever someone walked or rode a bicycle down the street. They also loved to chew up shoes, purses, wallets, or whatever they could get ahold of and get away with. She was a widow who was not yet used to being alone. She was attractive and vivacious, and doted on her pet chihuahuas.
Harvey, on the other hand, was a cat-man. He owned several overweight felines and fed all the strays that wandered up into his yard. These cats were fierce warriors and were known to drive off all the street dogs in such a way that they were unlikely to come back. He would go mullet fishing several times a week just so he could serve them the meals they preferred. He also kept a big bottle of gin under the kitchen counter for medicinal purposes. Whenever he became annoyed at his cats for throwing up on the furniture or using the bathroom under a chair, he would take a long swig of gin.
One day, he became aggravated at finding a chewed up lizard in the middle of his bed. At this, he overdid his usual swigging and ended up bleary eyed on the front porch. Several lizards ran around on the floorboards at his feet. So, he decided to have a long talk with them about avoiding the cats. Miss Margo watched as she watered her daylilies and petunias in her side yard. “That old coot has finally lost it!” she thought.
Harvey didn’t notice her at first. Then, out of the corner of his eye, he saw her nicely rounded legs as she bent over to pull a few weeds out of the flower bed. She had on a tight pair of hot pink shorts and a thin, white summer blouse. “Funny I never noticed her before,” he thought.
When Margo looked up, she saw him watching her and could not resist flirting a bit. She smiled what she thought was a seductive smile and rolled her shoulders back.
Harvey was so excited, he ran back inside and took another nip to settle himself down. But instead of settling him down, it fired him up even more. He went in the bathroom and got out his hair gel to try and get his wild hair to lay down. Then, when it was neatly in place, he went back out on the porch to watch Margo some more.
Since she hadn’t had this much attention in a long time, she really played it up. Finally, Harvey could stand it no longer. He tottered across the street to compliment her on her flower garden (the only thing he could think of to say). She gushed and cooed and batted her eyelashes. “So happy you noticed!” she commented, unaware that it was not the flowers he had noticed.
Harvey was feeling a bit dizzy by now, but kept his his composure. Then, he felt a nip on his heel. Sure enough, one of the chihuahuas was attempting to chew a hunk out of the back of his shoe. “Such a cute dog!” he managed to say, even though the little dog’s teeth had clamped onto the back of his foot instead of the shoe.
“I’ll have to have you over for tea sometime,” Miss Margo offered. She was impressed by his nice manners and compliments, and decided that maybe he wasn’t crazy after all. “I’m sure you’d rather have someone else to talk to besides yourself!” she smiled.
“Oh, I wasn’t talking to myself back there,” he replied. Just then, a gust of wind came up and blew that tangle of hair up around his head, giving him a deranged look. And the gin made his eyes shine with an unfocused gleam as he tried to explain, “I was just having a long conversation with a few lizards!”
